The Letters (or Razors & Lace)
by Phoenix2312
Summary: Set after Caleb and Spencer break up, but none of the other stuff that happened in tonight's episode (7x06) is relevant for this. WARNING: Major angst ahead! Trigger warning; Self harm.
1. The Letters

WARNING: Major angst ahead! This is set after Caleb and Spencer break up, but none of the other stuff that happened in tonight's episode is relevant for this. Enjoy.

* * *

 **The Letters**  
 **(or Razors & Lace)**

It's about 9am when Emily realises that something is wrong. She's been dialing Spencer's number for a least a half an hour with no answer, she's knows that's a bad sign. Spencer always answers her phone. With everything going on Emily imagines the worst, so she decides she needs to go find Spencer just to be sure things are alright (somehow she already knows they're not).

She gets into her car and turns the key, but before she pulls out of the driveway she spots something sticking out of her glove box. Leaning over she pulls out a folded piece of paper, she unfolds it and reads.

 _ _Dear Emily,__

 _ _No matter what happens, I never want you to forget what really matters in life. Love her. Take care of her. And let her love you, the way I know she can. Be happy, be loved. Goodbye Em.__

 _ _Forever yours,__

 _ _S__

It takes less that 3-seconds for Emily to turn into a sobbing mess. She's lost so much already, now she's lost Spencer too.

* * *

When Ali finally drags herself out of bed at 10am she hears her phone beeping and realises she has several missed calls from Emily, she picks up her phone to dial the number, but stops in her tracks when she sees the folded piece of paper on her nightstand.

She picks it up and unfolds it.

 _ _Dear Ali,__

 _ _I'm sorry for everything, for not trusting you when it mattered most. I can never make it up to you, but I know there is someone out there who can. Don't let the past, or your own fear stand in the way. Love her Ali, and most of all let her love you.__

 _ _Goodbye,__

 _ _S__

Ali lets out a deep sigh, her heart hurts, she hates that Spencer is gone, but she can't say she's surprised. When she reads the letter through again she realises that the best way to remember Spencer is to take her advice. She gets up and gets dressed quickly before heading to Emily's house.

* * *

Hanna's sitting in the brew, looking over her business plans when her phone rings. She picks it up on the first ring.

"Em? Is everything okay?"

Hanna can tell instantly that it's not.

"Em?"

"She's gone Hanna. She's gone."

Hanna feels her heart hammering in her chest.

"Who's gone? What's going on? I'm coming over there"

Hanna stands up and shoves her planner into her bag, and digs for her keys, Emily is still crying into the phone. Suddenly her hand closes on a folded piece of paper she doesn't remember putting there.

She unfolds it and reads the words just as Emily cries out "Spencer. She's gone"

 _ _Dear Hanna,__

 _ _I'm sorry for everything, but you're so strong, I know you'll be okay.__

 _ _Yours always,__

 _ _S__

Hanna stares open mouthed at the paper, she doesn't even realise that she hung up on a still crying Emily.

* * *

Ezra is flipping through the pages of their novel manuscript when he notices something odd, he doesn't remember putting that piece of paper there. He flips to the page that's marked, Aria's name is on the front of the paper but behind it one phrase is highlighted. __Love her with all of your heart.__ Next to it is a tiny letter S.

When he hands the letter to Aria she unfolds it with trembling fingers and reads out-loud.

 _ _Dear Aria__

 _ _You are the hardest one to leave behind. But you are always in my heart. I love you so much. Please be happy and be safe. Remember me and I will always be with you.__

 _ _PS… Ezra, I may be gone but I will find a way to kick your ass if you hurt heri.__

 _ _All my love,__

 _ _S__

Aria feels herself collapse, but right before she hits the floor Ezra reaches for her. He hits the floor on his knees as he gathers a sobbing Aria up in his arms. Her cries of "She's gone, she's gone" pierce though his heart.

* * *

Toby finds a note tucked in his desk as he's looking for some paperwork. He unfolds the paper and reads it.

 _ _Dear Toby,__

 _ _All I've ever wanted was for you to be safe, and happy. I hope Yvonne gives that to you. You deserve everything in the world, every bit of happiness that life can offer. And as selfish as it is, I hope I will always hold a small piece of your heart, because you still hold a piece of mine. Don't look for me, and don't let them. I am gone.__ ** _ _ **I choose this**__** _ _.__

 _ _Love always,__

 _ _S__

After he finishes reading her note he slams his fist through his office wall, tears blurring his vision.

* * *

Caleb gets Aria's call first. It's unusual for her to call so he picks up despite the fact that he's driving. He's never heard her so furious and upset. The second she tells him Spencer's gone he slams on his breaks in the middle of the highway. He can't believe it.

The car behind him has to swerve to miss him. They honk and scream profanities out the window as they rush by him. He just sits there unmoving.

It only takes him 10 minutes to get back into Rosewood. He pulls up outside of Spencer's house, and immediately notices that her car is gone.

Just as he's about to get out of the car his phone rings again. Hanna this time. He lets it go to voicemail, he already knows what she's going to say, but he has to see for himself.

He walks up to the barn door and knocks, no answer. He tries the door, it's unlocked. His heart drops.

Stepping into the living room he's hit with a sense of nausea he only later realises its due to the heavy scent of blood that lingers in the air.

With slow steps he approaches the bedroom his heart aching, his eyes stinging.

He pushes the door open and his eyes immediately land on some scrapes of navy blue lace on the floor. He walks over and picks them up, he recognizes it, even in tatters, he'll never be able to forget. As he shuffles them in his hands something small and silver falls to the floor. His heart sinks a little more. Bending down he picks up his old razor, the one he'd kept in her bathroom, _their bathroom_ , the blades and handle are covered in dried blood.

He looks away from the razor, but instead of getting away from the mess, he sees more. Drops of blood on the carpet, a trail really, leading into the bathroom. His heart is breaking, but he has to see everything, he has to. Taking a deep breath he stands up and walks towards the bathroom.

The sight that meets him churns his stomach. Blood on the sink, smeared on the mirror, dried drops staining the tile.

Caleb thinks he might be sick. He lets the razor and the lace fall to the floor.

He leans against the wall for support, tears starting to leak from his eyes.

As he reaches up to swipe them away he catches a glimpse of something on the bed.

On trembling legs he walks over to the bed and picks up a folded letter and the picture frame it's sitting on. He stares into his own face, which is gazing at Spencer like she's the only thing in the world. His eyes in the picture say it all, he loves this girl. But he's too late, she's gone, and it's his fault.

He sets it down gently and unfolds the paper with shaking hands.

 _ _Dear Caleb,__

 _ _You showed me what it was like to be in love again.__

 _ _You showed me what it was like to be broken by love again.__

 _ _I will always love you, even if you never loved me.__

 _ _I will always remember, but perhaps it's best if you forget.__

 _ _Goodbye, forever.__

 _ _S__

* * *

 _ _I have written a prequel to this, I will post it sometime this week, it is Spencer's perspective before everyone finds their letters. Thanks for reading.__


	2. Razors & Lace

**This is Spencer's POV before everyone finds their letters... A prequel type. Enjoy.**

* * *

 **Razors & Lace**

After Caleb walks away Spencer stands in the middle of the living room, arms wrapped tightly around her stomach, her legs are trembling, and she feels like she might throw up.

She's frozen in place, everything hurts, but no matter how much pain she's in, she doesn't make a sound, her tears drip silently down her cheeks instead.

For one moment she wants to let the weakness overtake her, wants to fall to her knees and sob until she can't anymore. She wants to reach into her own chest and rip out her heart to stop the pain.

Instead she just stands there. Empty and broken.

She doesn't know how much time passes, but eventually she feels her tears stop. Dropping her arms from around her middle she reaches up and touches her face. The mascara lines down her cheeks are dry.

Sucking in a deep breath she moves without concious thought into the bedroom and pulls her suitcases out from under the bed. Methodically she takes each item from her closet and folds it neatly before tucking it into a bag. When she pulls out the blue satin and lace negligee she wore for Caleb, she rips it down the middle in one smooth motion and drops it to the floor without betraying a hint of emotion on her face. She goes back to packing.

After she finishes with the closet she moves to the dresser, still in a trance-like state and gathers up her things, still meticulously folding each garment and packing it in her suitcase.

Next she goes into the bathroom and pulls her things from drawers and the cupboard above the sink. As she reaches up to grab the last few items her finger runs across something sharp. She doesn't make a sound, doesn't even flinch.

Curiously she pulls her hand out and looks down at her index finger. Droplets of blood are gathering along the cut she finds there.

Something about the shape of the small wound fascinates her. She stares at it for a while, before reaching back into the cupboard and pulling out the thing that cut her- Caleb's razor.

It's harmless enough, slick and silver with five shining blades, but when she looks closer, there's a tiny drop of blood on it, her blood.

It's weirdly satisfying.

She takes the razor and gently runs the blades along her exposed forearms, it sends chills up her spine. For a second she looks up at herself in the mirror, at her mascara stained cheeks and the dead look in her eyes. She brings the razor along each forearm again, but this time, it's not gentle.

Blood slowly wells up, several drops slip down her hand and drip onto the floor.

She does it again.

And again.

Over and over.

Inside she's utterly wrecked, and with pure satisfaction she looks in the mirror again and sees that the outside now matches the inside. A hint of a smile plays across her lips. It's the first emotion she's portrayed in hours, but it's gone as quickly as it appears.

She walks back into the bedroom without cleaning up the blood and drops the razor carelessly onto the ripped negligee on the floor. Her mutilated arms dripping a trail of blood along the white carpet.

Turning to her closet she pulls out the last piece of clothing in there, a solid black hoodie, the one Mona gave her so long again, she hasn't worn it since that night with Toby in the motel.

Pulling it on over her head she lets the long sleeves fall down over her battered arms, as the hood settles over her dark curls.

She is numb.

Grabbing up her bags she walks into the kitchen and pulls out several pieces of paper and a pen, sits at the table and begins to write.

She starts with Emily. Hers is the easiest to write. When she's finished Spencer moves Emily's letter and starts in on the second sheet of paper.

Ali's is next, it's pretty simple too, she really only has two things to say, and so she does.

After she signs it she stacks Alison's letter on top of Emily's and moves on.

Aria's is next, and it's a little harder to write, Aria is one of the hardest to let go. She'll always be the friend Spencer cares for most. Her eyes sting a little as she signs Aria's letter, but she doesn't let the tears fall, just takes a breath and hastily adds a PS.

She tries to write one for Hanna next, but she finds she doesn't have much to say, she stares at the blank sheet for a while before finally scribbling a few empty words.

Toby's next, and this is another tough one, but somehow she finds it in herself to push on even as the bloody mess of her arms throb with each word she writes.

She pulls the last piece of paper towards her, it's supposed to be for Caleb. But her heart aches at the mere thought of him.

A single tear falls down her cheek and hits the blank paper. It's the last tear she'll shed. She reaches out, takes the pen in her hand again and begins to write.

When she finishes the letters she folds them neatly and tucks them into her hoodie pocket. All except the one for Caleb. She returns to the bedroom and places it on the bed, next to a picture of them, it's her favourite one. She can't bear taking it with her.

It's 3am by the time she loads her suitcases into the car, and pulls out of the driveway. And when she does her hoodie pocket is devoid of letters.

Without a backwards glance she pulls out of Rosewood and onto the highway.

It's 4am when she pulls into the airport parking lot. She takes her bags, locks the keys in her car and walks away, tossing her phone in a nearby trash bin.

It's 4:30am when Spencer steps up to the guest services counter and the agent asks her what he can do for her.

"I'd like a one-way ticket to the next available destination. Doesn't matter where, actually I'd prefer not to know"

He gives her a funny look, but it quickly evaporates when she places $5000 cash on the counter in front of her.

"Right away ma'am."

It's 5:30 am when Spencer boards her flight. She still has no idea where it's going, but it doesn't matter. Nothing does. Not anymore. As she takes a seat she looks out at the sky, which is just showing the first signs of the coming dawn. And as the airplane lifts into the sky she reflects for a moment, flexes her aching arms and as she breaths deeply, she finally gives up. When she exhales, Spencer Hastings ceases to exist. She's nothing more than empty words on paper, scrapes of torn lace and a bloody razor blade.


End file.
